I know that every day I have on this Earth is precious because it is your will that I be here.
My question is this, how can I make every day just as special as the important ones like Christmas, and Easter and Thanksgiving? I am tired of the everyday stuff sometime. I know it is a gift in itself, but with you I want every day to be special and stand out in some way.
Can you please show me what I need to do in order to accomplish this?
Some days seem so blah, ho hum, whatever you want to call it. I know that is part of life, but who is to say that each day can't have something spectacular happen? Or am I over looking the obvious? Why is it that we humans seek more than what we have been given to work with?
I guess what I am really talking about it my relationship with you. I want my relationship with you to take me to new heights each and every day no matter what my circumstances are. Please tell me how to do that? Is there some element that is lacking? I pray that you would enlighten me.

Sane or not so sane?

I don't normally think too much about my dreams. That is until I learned that God can communicate to us through them. I don't normally share them either out of fear of being called insane.
Today however, I feel the need to share this one. While napping I was having a very intense dream-- I was dreaming that I was running back and forth up and down my street trying to find my neighbors, my husband, my uncle who had come by to visit. Trying to find anything familiar. The scene was a day much like today, gloomy sky but with about a half a foot of snow on the ground. It was eerily quiet. I ran to my neighbor's house to see if she was there to ask what was going on, but a whole new family had moved in and I was even more confused then. So I left and ran to the top of the street and turned to look and see an aqua blue pick up truck driving off before I had a chance to ask them what happened to everyone and everything. I was completely and utterly alone. But not only that, all the houses were the same, but they weren't. I don't know how else to explain it accept they had turned into different functioning places. My house happened to turn into a toy factory when I ran back down to see if Trey or David had returned. That is the point that I woke up.
When I woke from this dream I felt a little confused as you might imagine. I immediately asked God what the significance of this dream meant and sure enough I got an answer....
The Lord told me that I really am alone in this world no matter how many people are in it. All I have is Him and my focus should be on that relationship versus all the other people I feel I need to be in relationship with. Even if there were no people left in this world, God it still there. In a way the dream was more comforting after hearing that. But it also tells me that I need to focus more on God and not so much on others. At first it was scary being all alone. I think that is one of my biggest fears is being abandoned and having no one to confide in. But hello, God wants that with me!!! Why is it that I will go to everyone else before I confide in Him? How do I change this?

not sure what to call this one...

God created the earth and he created us for his good pleasure. I accept this as truth. Another
truth that I am accepting is one about myself. I know that Christ is living in me, and because of that, I am now also wanting to create. We were not meant to be idle.
I am not sure what I can commit to, if anything. I just know that I want something to call my own. Not necessarily a child, but more like something that is completely random, but beautiful.
God what would you have me create? What can my contribution be? You created so much beauty in nature and in human beings. How can I possibly add to that? I ask you to give me something. Something that comes naturally and that can be used for your glory. I want my
creativity to show even more of yours. What do I do and how do I begin. My life has to be so much more than daily necessities of survival. It is time that I figure it out. God I ask you to help me with this process. Please give me a vision or something! Thank you for making me
aware of this.

Faith, Hope, and Love...

My husband often sees me get hurt by those I love. Then he sees me still remain friends or cordial with people. He asks me " How can you still hang out with that person? ". I really don't know how to answer him. I know the answer but I don't think he could understand me. I love people. I have been hurt pretty badly by people in the past, but I can never turn a cold shoulder.
I may be naive in that respect because I know that people can take advantage of someone who is so loving. Maybe that is how I got hurt in the first place. But I can't stop remaining connected with those whom have had an impact on my life. I can't stop loving people for who they are or aren't. How do you explain this to someone who doesn't have the Holy Spirit living in them?
The bible tells us the greatest of these is Love. I guess that is a part of me now since I have Jesus living inside of me for the rest of my days. I can still get mad a people and hurt by them, but once I'm over it, it's just as if it never happened. This is how God loves us and wants us to love those that He loves (everyone).

Obedience is what makes God smile! It is also a form of worship because when we submit to the Lord, we are recognizing Him as our God. Through our obedience we are able to bring God glory through our lives.

shelter, a good thing or a bad thing?

In a way I resent having such a sheltered life. I am grateful that I didn't have to grow up in the type of world that most do, but I don't think it was helpful either. What do you mean you might ask? Well first of all, I have have no idea what it means to truly fend for oneself. I don't know what it means to be without because I have always had. I haven't walked a day in some one else's shoes that makes one dollar wage per day to feed their family. I have always had the bare necessities available to me. So this is why I feel like living a sheltered life has harmed me.
I wouldn't have the slightest idea on how to relate to someone who has to sleep on a bed of dirt, or walk everywhere with no shoes. I do pray for these distant lands that are suffering due to poverty, war, or illness that consumes their daily life. To them it is just like any other day, but if I were thrown into a situation like that, even just for a few days, I would feel so lost. I wouldn't know how to take care of myself.
I do want to know what that it like though. If I ever get a chance to go on a mission trip I will.
And please don't think that I am bashing the life that I was given. That is not my intention at all.
Just merely pointing out that sometimes living such a sheltered life can make you so unaware, and maybe at times, a little self centered.

selfish spoiled brat

Dear God,

Please forgive me for being so selfish. I have forgotten that it is because of you that I have what I have. You have chosen to bless me or not to bless me for your own reasons. Please help me to get rid of my selfishness. I want my life to bring you glory, and I know that I need to stop focusing on myself and focus on what I can do to make you happy. I have forgotten that what you have already given me is a free gift that I do not deserve in the first place. How is it that we as humans forget this so quickly. If we are made uncomfortable for a while we feel like we are owed something by you since you are in control? I am so sorry for always blaming you when things get a little uncomfortable.
Jesus, please come into my heart and don't ever leave me! I need you to help me to change all the areas that need changing. I want my life to glorify God. I can honestly say that lately it hasn't. I feel bad about this and I have been trying to go my own way. It doesn't work. The joy has not been there. I don't want to go through this hard time alone. I need God to get me through this. I want to be able to bring glory to God during this season in my life. Please show me how.
God I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish and for only thinking of my own needs. No wonder you have been hiding yourself from me lately. I look at who I am right now and I don't like it. I need Jesus to help me change because I don't know how to change myself. I feel so wretched as a person. I am just amazed that you can still love someone who is such a mess.
Your unconditional love is so over my head. I act like a selfish spoiled brat and you still take me back each time.
Teach me your ways God. Teach me how to be like your son, Jesus. I need a spiritual make over and fast! I fear the enemy taking my joy and taking me away from you. I am sorry for how I have behaved recently. I ask your forgiveness and I ask for your instruction on what I can do to bring you glory in my current situation. I love you and I never want to be apart from you. I need to start focusing on what is above instead of what is here. I need to remember that here is only temporary!

Love,
Heather

I don't even know what to call this one

I really hope that me going back to school is going to pay off in the long run. I am tired of being broke and having no money left over after paying bills. I can't even afford to buy Christmas presents so I am considering going into savings for it. I am not wanting others to feel sorry for me, this is just how it is, and I know I'm not alone here.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have, but it just feels like I can't ever get ahead. My husband and I can barely pay our bills each month, and we feel like we are just going through the motions of life, not enjoying it.
What is God trying to teach me through this experience? I just wish I could believe Him for a blessing financially,but right now that just doesn't seem right. There are so many others who are a lot worse off than I am. That is what is so frustrating. I feel bad about my lack, and I haven't the slightest idea what someone who has even less feels like. Does that make me a bad person for still wanting for my own? I feel bad for having those feelings. I am just so frustrated.
I am not giving Christmas gifts this year and people are just going to have to deal. I love giving gifts and I am bummed that I can't. Please just allow me to experience this and learn from it. Don't feel sorry for me even though I might throw myself a pity party for a bit. I'll get over it.
As much as I love that Christ was born for my salvation, I hate this time of year!
For those who actually read this, thanks for listening. For some odd reason it feels good to vent
this way.

Intimidated by Intimacy

Dear Father In Heaven,

Why is it that I avoid spending time alone when you when I know I need to? I need alone time with you each and every day. I would like to make every moment alone time with you if that is possible.
However, I have come to a conclusion as to why I allow every distraction possible to stand in the way of our time together. This helps to explain why I don't feel so satisfied with the time I do spend with you. I am intimidated. You are so amazing and awesome and so hard for me to wrap my head around. You are everything! You made me for your pleasure and that is overwhelming to me. I guess I am finding it hard to believe that you would want me that much. I have always had issues with feeling wanted. I don't know why I seek that so much from others when I should be seeking you for that fulfillment. But then again, it goes back to being scared of you. Not scared in a way that I am afraid to talk to you, but scared of the depth that I know I can go to with you.
It is the most overwhelming thing I have ever tried to grasp. You who created me would want to
be as close to me as I am with my husband on certain levels. That is the only thing I can compare to.
Trust me, I do want this with you. I just need you to help me get past the whole Father/Daughter aspect and be more comfortable with the friendship aspect. I guess I am having a hard time accepting that you would want that relationship with me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. So this Holiday season, my greatest gift that could be given would be for me to get over my fear of developing that type of relationship with you. Why is that so intimidating? I wish I knew.
So please don't be offended if I avoid you. It isn't because I don't want to be with you, it is because I am truly intimidated by intimacy with you. That is my heart and you have my heart.
I leave the rest up to you. If you want that with me, then come after me and never let me go!
I long to know that I am wanted by you. That is the bottom line. There is a difference in being loved and being wanted. I also know that if I knew that I was wanted by you, then I would not care about being wanted by others anymore. It just wouldn't bother me nearly as much.
Thanks for listening.

Love,
Heather

Joy Stealers

I have come to the conclusion that money truly is the root of all evil!
Satan will use money to steal your joy if you start focusing on it too much. Ask God to help you take your mind off you and ask how you can help someone else!
I have been sitting hear for the past hour trying to figure out our budget
and what my husband and I both put in each month to pay our bills.
Honestly I don't see how we are able to make ends meet each month, but somehow we do.
I know it isn't by any power of my own. It is all because God is our great provider and He
sees to it that we are taken care of. It is because of Him that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. For that I am grateful.
But once I start trying to figure out ways to cut back or make things easier on ourselves, that is just not possible. Everything we make right now is our survival.
Which my definition of survival is being able to pay all your bills and put food on the table. It's not always about being able to save each month or what you can do or not do with your money.
We are very conservative with our money, but we still can't seem to get ahead. But maybe God wants it this way for a while to keep us humble. Well, if that is the case it is working!
I want God to keep me humble each and every day.
I also continue to put my trust in God to continue providing for us as only he can, and I ask him to help me get my mind off of my lack and focus on someone else for a while. Father if there is anyone I can help in any way, please show me! Please forgive me for always trying to change things about my life that are out of my control.
Help me to wait for you to work behind the scenes for us, and then be even more in love with you when you come through in a very big way. I know you will!
As always, I don't want anything in my life that isn't put there by you! But I do thank you for what I have and I know you will show me how I can give even if I don't have the money right now.
I bind Satan from my finances. They are in God's hands and I trust God to take care of me. I know he has a plan to prosper me, and He will cause every situation to work out for good!
I will no longer stress, but I will trust. I will confess this every day with my mouth so that
Satan can't gain a foothold over this or any other area of my life. I belong to God and I only answer to Him!

Matthew 14:31

In contrast to my previous entry,I wonder if this is how God feels about us who are not yet firm and rooted in their faith:

(CHORUS)Cause you're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're noY ou're in then you're out You're up then you're down You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white We fight we break up We kiss we make up You, you don't really wanna stay no You, but you don't really wanna go o You're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

From: Katy Perry "Hot and Cold"

I know that I have felt this way some days and I hate it. I can't stand going back and forth. What do I need to do in order to become rooted for good? I don't want to be" like a person who looks in the mirror and forgets what he saw" I just wonder if God gets just as frustrated with us as we do with ourselves. I just want to get past that point. What do I need to do?

My love song for Christ

This is the best way I feel I can describe my relationship with Christ and what he wants from me. This song is not meant to be spiritual, but nonetheless, its meaning is very self explanatory. This is my love song to Jesus! The very first time I heard this song, it spoke to me so much that I had to post it for every one.

Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love"
Closed off from love I didn't need the pain Once or twice was enough And it was all in vain Time starts to pass Before you know it you're frozen
Ooooh...
But something happened For the very first time with you My heart melted into the ground Found something true And everyone's looking 'round Thinking I'm going crazy
Chorus:But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open
Oooh, oooh...
Trying hard not to hear But they talk so loud Their piercing sounds fill my ears Try to fill me with doubt Yet I know that their goal Is to keep me from falling Hey, yeah! But nothing's greater Than the rush that comes with your embrace And in this world of loneliness I see your face Yet everyone around me Thinks that I'm going crazyMaybe, maybe
Chorus:But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe I'll be wearing these scars For everyone to see I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the painThat I keep all closed in
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

The Victory Is Ours!

In order to have victory over anything in this life, you have to name it, claim it, and live it. This is what I have learned this week concerning my smoking. I can either feel sorry for myself because I am not getting healed immediately, or I can claim my own victory and work at it each day with God by my side to give me the strength to keep going and not give up.
To name your victory is to state what you want to have victory over. This needs to be confessed to God and to other believers who can hold you accountable.
To claim your victory means operating as if you already possess that victory.
You have to speak it out loud each day that whatever you need victory over is taken care of for you by God and speak that you are healed through Jesus.
Lastly, to live your victory means that there is no turning back! Once you make a decision to no longer live in the darkness , you can't just speak it. You have to live it every day. Each day is a new day in the journey of your victory. You have to surrender your flesh to God each day and let Him do the rest. There is no need to give up should you stumble. All you have to do is repent for your weakness and promise God that you will keep trying until the victory is yours.
These are vital actions that must be taken for anyone to have any kind of victory. It can be as simple as making an effort to get up 5 minutes earlier each day or as intense as conquering an addiction.
Most importantly you have to take authority over the enemy. The enemy has no power over you unless you give it to him. When you speak to him in Jesus' name, he must leave! This power was given to us when Jesus died on the cross so that we may become righteous in the eyes of God.
Victory is yours, but you must decide to take it and run with it. Otherwise, you will never have the victory that you desire. Let us thank God every day that
he sent his only son to die for us so that we may have this awesome power to overcome!

Ramblings on Finances, Christmas, ect. ...

How is it possible to keep believing for a miracle in these hard times. I am just so worried that
there won't be a Christmas if there is no extra income to pull from. I don't' know how people keep
their faith in the hard times. I guess I need to learn and this is God's way of teaching me.
I don't feel as the lack of income is a punishment, because I know he has always supplied our needs and helped us make ends meet. But there is literally no extra money for Christmas gifts this year. I know I am not the only person facing this situation, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
I almost wish that the whole idea of Christmas gifts didn't even exist because that isn't what Christmas is all about. It is about the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!
But then you feel bad if you can't contribute to your family's enjoyment of the holiday. We buy gifts for people because we love them and we do it as a love offering. But in a way, isn't it as if we are trying to buy their love for another year in a sense? I know that is cynical, and I am probably only feeling this way because I am broke. I'm just so confused about what do to. I've never had to tell my family, I can't afford Christmas this year. I know they won't judge me, but I know I'll feel bad if I can't participate the way that I want to, but I don't want to go into debt over it either.
So with all this said, let me ask my question again...How do we keep the faith and believe God for our own little miracle when things aren't looking up?
I also curse the media and consumer industry for making people feel like they have to spend money on their loved ones in order to show your love. This just isn't for Christmas, but also for other occasions that we all know too well.
How is it that our society has now based our love for one another on things/material possessions instead of our hearts? We should all make more of an effort to be like those in Acts 4: 32-34

The choice is yours!

every day I have the choice to surrender or not to surrender. i can surrender to my flesh or I can surrender everything to God and let him take care things for me that I can't do myself.
i have always had an issue of needing to be in control. i guess I still have this issue or i wouldn't be writing this today. lately i've had this idea that quitting smoking is something that i can do on my own, but now i've realized that i can't do it on my own.
i desperately need the Lord to step in and intervene on my behalf becuase my flesh is week. i have proven this to myself each time i give in and have a cigarette. this calls for drastic measures. i now know that i can't quit on my own or in my own power. i need God to do it for me!
why is it that i haven't realized this until now? god even gave me the motivation and the will power in the begining and that lasted all of two weeks. now i'm back to struggling each day and having two or three.
what is worse, is that i know God does not want this for me and each time i have one it is saying to God that I don't believe He can overcome this for me. I am also deliberately sinning against Him now that I know it is not what He wants.
How do we as human beings keep doing this to ourselves whatever ths case may be? What is it going to take to surrender each and every day of our lives? Or each and every moment for that matter?
I want to surrender and let God do the hard work for me, but at the same time my flesh cries out and I am caught in the middle. What to do? This is the ultimate test of faith. Do I give in to my flesh, or do I stomp on it by giving it all to God. The choice is mine and only mine to make each and every time. Who knew that something so simple would teach me so much?

It must be spoken to have any kind of effect!

It is only when we confess the Word of God out of our mouths that we can feel the
power they truely hold.
I feel that speaking the Word of God in everyday life is what gives us the confidence we need to push through and have victory.
I know that for myself, when I speak the Word of God, that I feel a swelling in my heart that allows me to know that God is with me and everything will be okay. I even feel empowered by it. The Word gives you that strength.
So for those of you who need help regaining your strength and confidence, speak the Word of God. It really does make a difference!
The Word of God is meant to be spoken. That is when it comes to life, and when God allows miracles to occur because of our strong faith in Him.

Amazing Love, Amazing Grace

Dear Father in Heaven,

I just want to take a moment and thank you for your amazing love and your amazing grace!
Ever since I have re-committed my life to you, you have just made everything go so smoothly
with my husband. Even though he has not arrived yet at where I am at, he has been amazingly
patient and understanding of what I have chosen.
He has not yet complained or tried to keep me from being with my church or being with you. Even though he is uneasy about the whole church thing, he knows it is what makes me happy.
I know that is all because of you. And further, I know that I must be doing the right thing, becuase everything has just fallen into place with what I have persued with you. That reassurance is what makes me feel good about it.
I also want to thank you for giving me the strength to not give up when things get hard. And for giving me the strenth to quit smoking. I know I haven't completely quit yet, but I am on my way! And I give you all the glory for that!
Thank you for loving me so much and not forgetting about me! I love you more and more each day and I want to go deeper with you as I possibly can. You know I am yours and that I want you do take me and do what needs to be done so my life can bring you glory.

Love,
Heather :0)

Taking it all back!

I am taking back what was stolen from me. It wasn't until now that I realized that the enemy
had stolen so much. Starting with my young adult years until now.
I am taking back my education that was stolen from me due to the enemy deceiving me by putting thoughts in my head that partying was better than school and being disciplined. That life was all about partying. I didn't get the proper college education because of this lie. I know it is in the past and it can stay there, but now I have chosen to go back to school so I can one day have the kind of job I've always wanted to have!
Another thing I am taking back is my health. This is going to be a multi step process. I believed the lie that smoking was the cool thing to do in high school, and ended up getting hooked on those
things. It has done nothing but steel my energy, and my health, and longevity. I have made the decision to quit and live a healthy life from now on.
The last thing I need to take back is the spirit of fear. I want the opposite which is a spirit of constant joy! The enemy has long been putting lies in my head that have kept me from living my life to the fullest. I have been plagued with anxiety about pretty much anything you can think of.
It still bothers me even though I have been put on medicine for it. I don't think this is anything that medicine can conquer. It has to be me. I want to be free of the medicine as well. I know I can to all of this with the help of God and the holy spirit that dwells in me. I look to God for direction. I know that if I can surrender all this to the Lord, then that will be the greatest victory
I've ever had!
We all question our lives and wonder why things aren't better than they are, but do we ever ask ourselves if we are the reason? What might we need to change to have the life that Jesus died to give us? I think this is the first step to living the way God intended.

Need to be loved

I finally figured out what has been wrong with me all these years. My whole life I have spent trying to fit in and feel wanted and accepted by others. It has made it hard for me to make friends in that I tend to be more needy than most. I am so unassure of myself that if I don't hear back from someone via email or phone after I've attempted contact for whatever reason, I immediately think I've done something to make them not like me anymore.
Even in elementary school I was made fun of and in junior high I struggled to fit in by acting out
to get attention. And in high school I did a bunch of things I'm not proud of just to be accepted by my people I thought were my friends but really weren't.
And now to this day I still have trouble feeling accepted. Even by those I am closest too. Why is it that I feel this way? Where does it come from? How is it that this thing has followed me my whole life and taken me this long to figure out? I feel week for the lack of confidence. I shouldn't worry about what others think of me but I do.
But this problem has lead to an even bigger problem. It has prevented me from fully accepting
God's love. I have yet to receive it and know it in my heart that He loves me unconditionally.
I want that more than anything. I've had Him show his love and answer prayers, but I haven't utterly received it deep in my soul. I feel that I will not be a true christian until this happens. I have felt like a phony ever since I've got saved because I don't feel things the way other people talk about them. I feel like something is wrong with me and I finally know why.
So what do I do to feel this unconditional love that I so long for? Are there some magical words that I need to pray for this miracle to occur inside of me? I just don't want to be cast out because
I haven't had this happen to me yet. I want it more than anything. I want to be in love with God
and know his love for me! Help!

10-2-08

Dear Father in Heaven,

Please forgive me for not asking you first what I should do about my smoking. I just tried to take control of the situation myself and forgot to ask your opinion. I hope it is not to late to ask. Please
tell me if it is the right time for me to quit, and please tell me the method you prefer me to use.
I hope you get me an answer soon because I have been disobedient by not coming to you first. I want to be in your perfect will always! I'm sorry that I, once again thought that I could solve my own problems without you.
On another note, please give my husband the gift of patience and endurance right now. He is having a hard time at work, and even though he is not in you right now, I pray that you will give him the ability to push through frustration and not give up. Please let him know that things will get better and it is not worth walking out on your job for emotions. I pray that you will be with him and watch over him and give him a sound mind!

Amen.

Really a Christian, or just a claim in vain?

Dear God,

It makes me sick to know that I have been claiming to be in you and have your love in me but not doing anything to show that love to others who really need it. It has been all about me and
playing it safe so I feel comfortable.
I have been so selfish asking so much of you but not giving your love back into my community.
Please forgive me. Please tell me what I can do through my actions to help the poor and make a difference. Why has it taken me this long to realize that I am so selfish and it is not all about me.
Can I really surrender all that I am for your cause? I guess I was trying to have my cake and eat it to, but that isn't what you're about. Yes you will bless us to show us your love, but in turn you ask that we love others and bless them. How can I do this. How can I serve you and take up my cross? I want to live radically for you Lord. But sometimes I feel so fake and I hate this. It is like I want everything to be easy and abandon my faith when it gets hard. Why are we humans so prone to doing this? Please change my heart and show me where I can be of use.
Please take away this feeling of sickness in my soul. I just want to rid myself of my selfish ways
and be more like your beautiful son Jesus! Then I can really call myself a Christian! Thank you for convicting me of this problem.

Confused

Never done two posts in one day before, but I have a lot on my mind.
In church we talked about God's love for us. I understand that he loves me, but I don't feel it like Pastor Naeem does. How is it possible that I can believe in Christ and that he is my savior and understand how God wants me to live, but not feel like he truely loves me that much. I've never had a vision or revelation given to me for verification. I don't like to question God, but in the middle of service, the enemy actually had the audacity to tourment me and get thoughts going in my head of wheather or not God really does care.
He says " well if you don't have an experience like Naeem, then he must not love you that much"
I don't even know who Jesus is really. I know of him and I believe in him, but I don't know him.
What do I need to do in order to form this bond that Naeem talks about. I want that so desperately. I want to know that God loves me so much and stop running to other people to fill the void that I am feeling from not knowing the extent of his love. So how do I do this. I can read the Bible over and over and still not feel it. I gain wisdom yes, but love no. I must be wired wrong. Any insight is appreciated. Please tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way!

One door closes...a new chapter begins!

Well today is my first day as a non-smoker. It is harder than I thought. It is something that must be conqured! I know that if I can do this, then I can do anything. Part of me still questions
if I am really ready to quit. But I have come to the conclusion that you will never quit if you keep waiting for the right time. It is just a decision you have to make and stick with to make it work.
But I have to admit, I'm in my first day and I do miss it a little already. What does that say about me? I feel guilty or something of that nature for actually wanting one. I have to train my body to react differently from what I've been feeding it for the past 12 years. Even though I was not a very heavy smoker, I still crave it and enjoy it. But I refuse to give in! I want to have more energy, be healthier, and feel better about myself. I know that God can't use me unless I am fully surrendured, and this is the only hinderance in my relationship with Him. So we shall see where this journey takes me!

"Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of God"

I am so impressed by Emily going to do mission work. She is really taking time and effort to emerse herself in learning about another culture. How they live and what daily life is like for
these people.
I would love to have an experience like that. To live in another country for a week or so and learn a different way of life. My life has been so sheltered and I have always been provided for.
I don't know what it is like not to know where my next meal is coming from or how I am going to pay my bills. I think if I could have an expericne like that then I would appreciate even more what I have been blessed with.
I do struggle to make ends meet, but I really don't have the slightest idea what struggle really means. And to be poor but still have joy in my life. I want to be like that no matter what my circumstances are. To be content with what I have even though the situation may or may not change. People like that are really worth learning from. I am rich even though I don't have a huge savings account becuase I do have a job and I am able to pay my bills. That is more than most people have, and I am greatful. But I just want to know what it is like to have nothing but
still be able to live in this world in that way. Does that make any sense?
To have that exeperience would change my life forever. Hopefully I will have that opportunity.
Even if it is just to embrace the less fortunate in this country would also make a difference in my life and what I am called to do while I am here. If anyone knows of how I could make this happen, I am open for suggestions.
I jusst know that I need to grow in this area to really appreciate what God has chosen to bless me with. I know that if He can't trust me with what I have now, then how can He trust me with bigger things? This is the challenge at hand.

Self Love

Dear Father in Heaven,

My issue of the day is learning to love myself. Please help me to conquer this demon of oppression on my lack of self love. I don't have a good image of myself and I don't feel that I
measure up most of the time. I want to be able to have confidence and feel self worth. I have
been struggling with this lately. Especially with my body image. I want to love me for me and
take care of me for me and not becuase I am trying to compare myself to others or what I think
I should look like. I need to get past this and I blame today's society for this problem.
I pray that you will help me to overcome this oppression that I have been dealing with and help me to see me as you see me.
I know you created all of us different, but we are still made in your image. And if you love us no matter what we look like, then why can't I do that. Satan constantly badgers me telling me that
I need to loose weight or deprive myself of foods in order not to take in so many unneeded calories. I know this is not from you. But I need to get a new view of me. Please help me with this. Maybe then I can see myself in a different light and excercize for the right reasons.
I love you and I know that only you can help me with this. Thank you for loving me as I am!

from lukewarm to boiling hot!

Dear Jesus,

I hope you can forgive me for being a lukewarm Christian. I have been playing it safe in order to protect myself and not have to step out of my comfort zone.
Please help me to live for you and your kingdom, and not for this world. I don't have any idea what your kingdom holds for me, but I do know that I don't want to get caught up in this world
any longer.
I am tired of trying to have control over every aspect of my life. I want to give it to you completely and know that you will take care of me no matter what happens. I need to build up this confidence so that I can live my life on fire for you and your children. What can I do for you Lord? Please tell me if I need to give more time, money, engergy, or all three. I am ready to step out and do everything for you. I it is so amazing that your love is unconditional even when we mess up or haven't been living up to our full potential in Christ.
I say it again, thank you for loving me that much and thank you for saving me from myself!
I love you!

Amazing Love

God how amazing it is that you sent your only son to die for me! I am so undeserving of this
amazing love and gift. That you had to go to that extreme to have relationship with me becuase of my sins is so over my head. But I am truely greatful that you love me that much. I can't even begin to comprehend the depth of that kind of love. But I am honored you would do just that for me so that I can find you and allow my life to bring you glory. No amount of works can ever compare to the one act that Jesus did for all. I am just amazed and overwhelmed by the whole salvation experience. I know that I am now yours and I will never lack nor will I be left behind or seperated from you again! For that I am truely greatfull. I hope that in some way I can show you the same kind of love in return with my life becuase I know that this is the greatest gift that can ever be given. Thank you for loving me this much!

Here come the questions!

ok, so today in church we talked about what it means to really have faith.
this discussion really made me start to question my own.
first question is do I really have the faith I need to carry me through?
second, am I fake? Meaning more or less am I only in this for selfish reasons or do I really
want to know my savior
third, do I really believe this. I mean isn't that what faith is anyway?
Why all these questions, why now. I know this stuff is real because I was there when I committed myself to the Lord a year ago. I have had many spiritual experiences since then, but now I am back in the wilderness again.
This makes me question my faith because am I really able to believe in what I can't see no matter what I'm dealing with in life?
This is some deep stuff and I feel a prompting to figure this out before I go deeper. Can I really handle the depth of all this. God calls us to be fully committed to himself and not wavering in our faith. I felt that in the begining, but now in this wilderness, I feel a numbness and seperation that I am not to pleased with.
How do I get out of this mess and really grasp what God wants me to get from this experience? It is almost like He is purposefully bringing me to the end so all I can do is look up!
But knowing this doesn't help me get anywhere. I am stuck and I need something to get me going again. I really don't want to give up knowing that I've come this far.

Please Fix Me!

Dear God,

I am aware of a distance between us right now. I don't know what I have done to cause this, and I am lost on how to get back on track with you. I feel empty inside due to lack of feeling your presence. Where have you gone and why? I know you tend to leave me for a bit when you want to teach me something. But right now I am in desperate need of your guidance. I don't know what to do. I feel like my faith isn't as solid as it needs to be. I want to be so firm that I can stand alone and be fine. I don't want to feel like I need reassurance from others. I only want reassurance from you.
Please tell me what I need to do! I just feel lost and like I need a fresh perspecitve on things.
I have gotten to legalistic with my time with you. I need to break away from routine and get to know Jesus. He is my savior and my brother and I need to know him! I want to know him in my heart as well as in my mind. Please reveal yourself to me Lord. I hate when I get to a new place with you and I feel like I am reaching in the darkness to find you and I don't find anything accept me feeling sorry for myself and questioning your existance. Is there some way we can make it so that doesn't happen anymore? I don't want to question everytime something goes wrong or I get worried that you won't come through for me. Please forgive me for being weak in this area.
Or is it just a choice that I have to make to follow you and believe you know matter how bad things get? If that is so, do you really think I am ready for that? I am only asking because I know I am not fully mature yet and need to build spiritual strenth before embarking further on this journey with you. Maybe that is why you are distant now so that I can find you on my own
and never have to question again. Could you at least give me a hint of where to go or what to do?
I am completely clueless at the moment.
Thanks for listening and I love you! :-)

Psalm 46:10-Be Still....

Recently it has been brought to my attention that I need to be still. I can't hear God speaking
to me if I am not still. This is very hard for me to do. It has always been hard for me to sit still
my whole life. I am so easily distracted and my mind can have thoughts jump all over the place. I feel as if God is challenging me to be still. I may not even hear from Him every time, but just to be still, quiet my mind and to be in His presence. I feel that if I can do this, over time, my intimacy with Him will be that much more. I am tired of my quiet time getting to ritualistic. I don't want time spent with God to be something I feel like I have to do. I feel the only way to get beyond that point is to be still. I accept the challenge even if it means I can only do it for 5 minutes a day. I know that like anything, the more I keep at it the better it'll get.
Another challenge I have is to live each day for that day only. I can eliminate much worry and anxiety from my life by doing this. If I am only concerned about the present and not thinking so much ahead I can truely enjoy life the way God intended me to.
All this I learned just by spending time with God. It is amazing how He teaches me each and every day! How is it possible that I am even able to be receptive of what He wants me to know?
I think that is supernatural in itself. :0)

Dear Jesus,

Please forgive me for my sins. If there are sins I am not aware of, please point them out to me so I may repent. I want to be made clean. I know that I have a problem following the deisres of my own heart, and that blocks me from hearing your will for my life.
I only want your will. I am desperate to hear from you on a daily basis. Please speak to me so I know what you want me to do. I only want to please you and not myself. Help me to get out of the way of your will.
I know I am stubborn in obedience if it means giving something up for you. I want you to remove that stubbornness from my spirit so that I will be quick to obey. I need you more than the air I breathe and I love you. I can't do anything without you directing my every step.
I promise to always obey if you will just tell me what to do in a way that only I can understand.
I feel like I have not had a sanctified and circumcised ear. I need to stop running to others on what I should do about things. I need to run to you before I seek confirmation elsewhere.
Please forgive me for being unsure of myself and unsure of you. All I ask is that you speak to me and make me clean and renewed each day. And last but not least, make my motives your motives so that I don't have a chance to follow the desires of my own heart.

Love,
Heather

We all need a good pruning every once in a while!

So this past weekend was pretty intense for me. I was not feeling God's presence when I went looking for Him, and I had to do some real searching to figure out why He chose to hide himself from me.
What I discovered completely changed everything. God spoke to me after I threw my little temper tantrum and said, you need to stop putting so much faith in teachers this world and put all of your faith in me. Learning from earthly teachers is good, but I need to go to God first and balance the rest so that I don't forget that God is the one who gives the teachers their message.
I was putting too much time and engergy into learning from a certain teacher and not enough time learning from God. So he hid himself until I diligently sought him out. He really is a jealous God!
Another thing that he spoke to me was that I need to take emphasis of myself so much and my desires and focus on what He desires of me. I was being disobedient in that He told me something to do and I went and did the opposite out of fear and control.
He also spoke that I need to focus only on putting him first, letting him teach me through the word, loving others, and obeying Him always.
I finally feel like I am getting back to normal now. It is not a good feeling when you don't feel that God is near. But sometimes I need to be made aware and that is how He chooses to reach me.
I can't believe I was not even aware that these simple things were sin, but to God they are.
Please pray for me that I will be quick to obey and seek Him in everything that I do!

not sure if I am the only one who feels this way, but sometimes I feel like I am crazy for being
able to hear from God. When I was saved, I couldn't hear from God yet, but now I hear from him on pretty much a daily basis. The Bible talks about supernatural power and miracles. I think it is pretty supernatural that I can hear from God ! I also am amazed and in awe at His love for me and that He wants a relationship with me. Sometimes I feel like so undeserving of this kind of love, and it is hard to accept such a wonderful gift. I can't quite wrap my brain around it all yet, but then maybe I'm not supposed to. That is why He is so amazing and should always be feared!

In the midst of still learning who I am in Christ, I am now learning of Christ's love for me as well. It is mind blowing to think that He loves me and finds me beautiful in the way a husband would his wife. I am having trouble grasping this. Am I supposed to take it litterally or is this a figurative example of his love for us? I tend to take things litterally when I learn of them.
I am grateful that Christ loves me and finds me beautiful, but I still have issued finding myself
beautiful and acceptable to me. This is all just a little over my head at the moment. I am hoping that group tomorrow will help me understand better. I guess I just feel so undeserving of this kind of love and acceptance when I don't even feel accepted in this world to begin with.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for allowing me to experience complete joy as I have never felt before.
Each day I continue to be amazed at how you are working in my life. I have never been this happy. It is strange how complete I feel and yet I still have so much work to do. I enjoy getting to know you and I enjoy being able to hear from you and know what you want for my life.
I have surrendered my heart and soul to you and I am yours forever! Nothing can seperate me from your grace and your love! Knowing that you are always with me wherever I go is the greatest comfort. Especially for one who has many anxieties in this world.
I pray that you will use me in a way that you know I will be able to reach others and bring them to you. I want everyone to experience your love the way I have. I only live for you now and I want my life to bring you glory! If only they knew how wonderful you are!
I love you.

In Need of Wisdom!

Now that I have figured out what I want to do, the question is which school to attend?
I can go to Central Piedmont and spend a couple of years at this thing and take it at my own pace, or I can go to UNCC and do everything in one semester. This is frustrating becuase I want to do it right and not just out of convenience. At UNCC I could get finished a lot sooner but it would only be a certificate. CPCC I could get a diploma, but it might take a year or two to finish.
I am anxious to get a better job and secure my future, but I want to make the right decision.
UNCC requires a lot crammed into one semester to learn everything and I don't know if I could apply myself and succeed with the requirements. CPCC allows me to work at my own pace with a better chance for success as I am not the studious type when I feel pressure and overloaded.
Please pray that I will find direction on this. I don't know if this is the enemy trying to stear me in wrong direction, or if this is the challenge that God wants for me. I really need discernment and wisdom right nwo. HELLP!

authority

I am having a lot of issues with this one. With God and with people in my life.
It is hard to surrender to people you have a hard time respecting, and it is hard to
obey the Lord in times of waiting when you want to just dive in to something.
Patience and surrendering are two of my biggest obstacles right now. Please pray
that I will learn how to be dilligent in both. Advice is always welcome.
I've always been stubborn and a "learn the hard way kind of person". I want to
break that pattern in my life.

James 1:2-4

God has really tought me a lot the past couple of days.
I now understand what mercy is. He blesses us because He loves us and becuase He chooses to bless us.
We should never get to the point of expecting anything from God becuase we feel we deserve it.
Mercy is a gift! A precious gift that He chooses to give or not to give for whatever reason.
I love that God is teaching me what humility is. I love that I can recognize when He is trying to teach me something. I really am amazed at how far I've come in that area.
He truely can give or take away, and faith carries me through. Nothing in this world is certain. But we always have Christ and that is all that matters. Life would be so empty otherwise. Trials come and go, but Christ is truely eternal. I am now completely and utterly dpendant, and if that is what God wants, then he has me! I am now complete as I ever have been before.
How is it possible that in the midst of a trial you can feel so strong?

Fighting Back!

here is my delima...

Everytime I make progress in my relationship with God, the enemy has to come in and attack.
The ememy knows my weekness and uses them against me. What can I do about this? How do I gain the strength to ignore this when it happens?
He tells me things that I don't like to hear and in my weakness it is easy to believe his lies.
It really makes me angry, but I just don't know how to fight it as I am still quite young in my
walk.

Help!

Obedience

so here is the deal...I've been told by Christ what he wants me to do with my life in order to bring Him glory. That is awsome to finally have a purpose! It is something I have longed for as long as I can remember. Even before I knew Christ.
Ths issue that I am facing right now is not rushing the process. Long before I was given my vision, the Lord said to wait for a year. I have to remind myself daily to enjoy where I am at and look forward to where I am going. It is hard though becuase I am excited and anxious and want to move forward.
I believe that God is trying to test me in my obedience and also teaching me patience at the same time. Patience does not come easily to me.
In this time of waiting though, I don't know if He wants me to even start planning how I will accomplish what I need to do to get to where He wants me to be. Is that wrong? Or should I wait an entire year before I even start my planning? I need discernment on that right now.
So please pray for me to have wisdom where this is concerned. I don't want to do anything that is out of God's will for my life.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways"-He does indeed!

ok all you fellow readers...

I have researched both careers and decided on Medical Administration. I will be off to CPCC
at some point this summer to meet with a counselor to discuss my path. God really does work in mysterious ways. It was amazing how clearly He spoke this to me! I think he reaches me best when I am not even thinking about things ya know?
So wish me luck and pray that He will lead the way for me to make it happen! I'm just happy to have a goal even though I don't have a plan at this time.

Awakening!

God amazes me more and more each day in the ways that he speaks to me!
I have known for quite some time that where I am at professionally what not what He wanted
me do do forever. I have been sensing a season of change, but not quite sure where he wanted me.
Early on he told me to wait for a year as Trey has started a new job and we want to make sure it is secure before I make any changes.
But this morning as I was watching tv, he just spoke into my heart what he wanted me to do.
It was so clear that is was almost scarry. I feel that he chooses to speak to me sometimes when I am not even thinking about things at all. Becuase then he knows he will really get my attention.
Sure enough as I was watching tv did he tell me that I could do para-legal or medical administration. I have a background in administrative work and want to be able to incorportate that into a new career. He said this would allow me to do that and also help
others at the same time. I know it is a small part to play, but every little bit helps the world go round!
I am excited becuase I have direction now, but also scared at the same time since I don't know yet how I am going to accomplish what He wants me to do. But I am up for the challenge! I just want to feel good about my work and know that what I am doing is really bringing glory to Him.
Thank you God for telling me what to do. I would be lost with out you in my life!
I feel that I am now that much closer to getting out of my wilderness and into what you have planned for me!

here are some questions I've been pondering lately:

1) When the Lord tells to wait before doing something and you know how long to wait, what
are you supposed to do until that time comes?

2) When the Lord promises to answer a prayer request in his perfect timing, and you are an impatient person like myself, what can I do to keep the faith even when progress is not being
made that I am aware of?

3) How can I learn to humble myself and stop being so self-centered and all about me?

4) And the whole love your neighboor concept is something I am struggling with as well.

If anyone has advice on these concepts, I am open. Thanks!

so this weekend I learned how to better communicate with my husband.
things are so much easier when you just talk through them instead of holding in
anger and frustration. that only makes things worse.
I need to not be afraid to speak my feelings to him on a regular basis, not just when
we are frustrated. I always fear a negative reaction from him and that is not fair to him.
I am actually judging him when I shouldn't be. I just need to have courage to be open and
expect good things.

Freedom in Christ

how is it that we are washed clean of all our guilt and condemnation through the blood of
Jesus, but we can't seem to forgive ourselves and continue to live in our own condemnation?
Is that just the enemy trying to keep us down, or is it something we hold on to because our
freedom in Christ seems to good to be true sometimes? Am I the only one who feels this way?
I think I have a lot to work on in that department.

Knowing Jesus

ok, just finished this book...Blue Like Jazz. It is the best book I have read in a very long time.
It is real ya know?
Left me thinking though... how can a person get saved, know God, have a prayer life, know who Jesus is and what Jesus did for them, but still not quite feel it deep in their soul?
That is what I am experiencing right now. I want Jesus to be real to my core for me. I know each person has their own journey of getting to that point, but I fear I am at a loss becuase I don't know where to begin. It is all head knowledge, but it needs to become more to me than that. This is what I long for! Please tell me that I am not the only person who has this problem! How can it change?

Balance

Well I have been working so hard lately at work that I am exhausted mentally!
This time of year is the busyest for me at work, and it is non stop! It always
hits me and I forget what it is like during the slower months. I have a hard
time balancing my work from the rest of my life. Does anyone know about balance?
I sure could use some advice. I fear that I put all my energy into my work that when
I get home, I have no energy left to spend time with family or friends outside of work.
I am also more tired than usual. Don't quite understand why. How can I possibly have
enough energy for everything that I need to do each day? I guess that is something
I should pray for is strength mentally and physically. But if anyone out there has other
options for balance, I am open.

God's Creations

ok, so yesterday I went to Daniel Stowe gardens with my mom for her Mother's day gift.
That place is amazing! What is even more amazing is how God knew what he was doing when
he created the earth and all the living things in it.
How did he know to create such colors for the flowers and even the foliage? The intricate designs of the orchid or the iris? It just blows my mind that he loved us that much to give us
such a gift to enjoy while we are here. But I also realize the responsibility we have to protect and care for this planet as well.
What an awsome experience. I highly recommend a vist to Daniel Stowe if you haven't been.
It will truley make you appreciate what God has created!

First blog ever

well I sure am new to this whole thing, but excited to see what happens with it. wish me luck all of you bloggers out there!