Really a Christian, or just a claim in vain?

Dear God,

It makes me sick to know that I have been claiming to be in you and have your love in me but not doing anything to show that love to others who really need it. It has been all about me and
playing it safe so I feel comfortable.
I have been so selfish asking so much of you but not giving your love back into my community.
Please forgive me. Please tell me what I can do through my actions to help the poor and make a difference. Why has it taken me this long to realize that I am so selfish and it is not all about me.
Can I really surrender all that I am for your cause? I guess I was trying to have my cake and eat it to, but that isn't what you're about. Yes you will bless us to show us your love, but in turn you ask that we love others and bless them. How can I do this. How can I serve you and take up my cross? I want to live radically for you Lord. But sometimes I feel so fake and I hate this. It is like I want everything to be easy and abandon my faith when it gets hard. Why are we humans so prone to doing this? Please change my heart and show me where I can be of use.
Please take away this feeling of sickness in my soul. I just want to rid myself of my selfish ways
and be more like your beautiful son Jesus! Then I can really call myself a Christian! Thank you for convicting me of this problem.

Confused

Never done two posts in one day before, but I have a lot on my mind.
In church we talked about God's love for us. I understand that he loves me, but I don't feel it like Pastor Naeem does. How is it possible that I can believe in Christ and that he is my savior and understand how God wants me to live, but not feel like he truely loves me that much. I've never had a vision or revelation given to me for verification. I don't like to question God, but in the middle of service, the enemy actually had the audacity to tourment me and get thoughts going in my head of wheather or not God really does care.
He says " well if you don't have an experience like Naeem, then he must not love you that much"
I don't even know who Jesus is really. I know of him and I believe in him, but I don't know him.
What do I need to do in order to form this bond that Naeem talks about. I want that so desperately. I want to know that God loves me so much and stop running to other people to fill the void that I am feeling from not knowing the extent of his love. So how do I do this. I can read the Bible over and over and still not feel it. I gain wisdom yes, but love no. I must be wired wrong. Any insight is appreciated. Please tell me that I am not the only one who feels this way!

One door closes...a new chapter begins!

Well today is my first day as a non-smoker. It is harder than I thought. It is something that must be conqured! I know that if I can do this, then I can do anything. Part of me still questions
if I am really ready to quit. But I have come to the conclusion that you will never quit if you keep waiting for the right time. It is just a decision you have to make and stick with to make it work.
But I have to admit, I'm in my first day and I do miss it a little already. What does that say about me? I feel guilty or something of that nature for actually wanting one. I have to train my body to react differently from what I've been feeding it for the past 12 years. Even though I was not a very heavy smoker, I still crave it and enjoy it. But I refuse to give in! I want to have more energy, be healthier, and feel better about myself. I know that God can't use me unless I am fully surrendured, and this is the only hinderance in my relationship with Him. So we shall see where this journey takes me!

"Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the Kingdom of God"

I am so impressed by Emily going to do mission work. She is really taking time and effort to emerse herself in learning about another culture. How they live and what daily life is like for
these people.
I would love to have an experience like that. To live in another country for a week or so and learn a different way of life. My life has been so sheltered and I have always been provided for.
I don't know what it is like not to know where my next meal is coming from or how I am going to pay my bills. I think if I could have an expericne like that then I would appreciate even more what I have been blessed with.
I do struggle to make ends meet, but I really don't have the slightest idea what struggle really means. And to be poor but still have joy in my life. I want to be like that no matter what my circumstances are. To be content with what I have even though the situation may or may not change. People like that are really worth learning from. I am rich even though I don't have a huge savings account becuase I do have a job and I am able to pay my bills. That is more than most people have, and I am greatful. But I just want to know what it is like to have nothing but
still be able to live in this world in that way. Does that make any sense?
To have that exeperience would change my life forever. Hopefully I will have that opportunity.
Even if it is just to embrace the less fortunate in this country would also make a difference in my life and what I am called to do while I am here. If anyone knows of how I could make this happen, I am open for suggestions.
I jusst know that I need to grow in this area to really appreciate what God has chosen to bless me with. I know that if He can't trust me with what I have now, then how can He trust me with bigger things? This is the challenge at hand.

Self Love

Dear Father in Heaven,

My issue of the day is learning to love myself. Please help me to conquer this demon of oppression on my lack of self love. I don't have a good image of myself and I don't feel that I
measure up most of the time. I want to be able to have confidence and feel self worth. I have
been struggling with this lately. Especially with my body image. I want to love me for me and
take care of me for me and not becuase I am trying to compare myself to others or what I think
I should look like. I need to get past this and I blame today's society for this problem.
I pray that you will help me to overcome this oppression that I have been dealing with and help me to see me as you see me.
I know you created all of us different, but we are still made in your image. And if you love us no matter what we look like, then why can't I do that. Satan constantly badgers me telling me that
I need to loose weight or deprive myself of foods in order not to take in so many unneeded calories. I know this is not from you. But I need to get a new view of me. Please help me with this. Maybe then I can see myself in a different light and excercize for the right reasons.
I love you and I know that only you can help me with this. Thank you for loving me as I am!

from lukewarm to boiling hot!

Dear Jesus,

I hope you can forgive me for being a lukewarm Christian. I have been playing it safe in order to protect myself and not have to step out of my comfort zone.
Please help me to live for you and your kingdom, and not for this world. I don't have any idea what your kingdom holds for me, but I do know that I don't want to get caught up in this world
any longer.
I am tired of trying to have control over every aspect of my life. I want to give it to you completely and know that you will take care of me no matter what happens. I need to build up this confidence so that I can live my life on fire for you and your children. What can I do for you Lord? Please tell me if I need to give more time, money, engergy, or all three. I am ready to step out and do everything for you. I it is so amazing that your love is unconditional even when we mess up or haven't been living up to our full potential in Christ.
I say it again, thank you for loving me that much and thank you for saving me from myself!
I love you!

Amazing Love

God how amazing it is that you sent your only son to die for me! I am so undeserving of this
amazing love and gift. That you had to go to that extreme to have relationship with me becuase of my sins is so over my head. But I am truely greatful that you love me that much. I can't even begin to comprehend the depth of that kind of love. But I am honored you would do just that for me so that I can find you and allow my life to bring you glory. No amount of works can ever compare to the one act that Jesus did for all. I am just amazed and overwhelmed by the whole salvation experience. I know that I am now yours and I will never lack nor will I be left behind or seperated from you again! For that I am truely greatfull. I hope that in some way I can show you the same kind of love in return with my life becuase I know that this is the greatest gift that can ever be given. Thank you for loving me this much!

Here come the questions!

ok, so today in church we talked about what it means to really have faith.
this discussion really made me start to question my own.
first question is do I really have the faith I need to carry me through?
second, am I fake? Meaning more or less am I only in this for selfish reasons or do I really
want to know my savior
third, do I really believe this. I mean isn't that what faith is anyway?
Why all these questions, why now. I know this stuff is real because I was there when I committed myself to the Lord a year ago. I have had many spiritual experiences since then, but now I am back in the wilderness again.
This makes me question my faith because am I really able to believe in what I can't see no matter what I'm dealing with in life?
This is some deep stuff and I feel a prompting to figure this out before I go deeper. Can I really handle the depth of all this. God calls us to be fully committed to himself and not wavering in our faith. I felt that in the begining, but now in this wilderness, I feel a numbness and seperation that I am not to pleased with.
How do I get out of this mess and really grasp what God wants me to get from this experience? It is almost like He is purposefully bringing me to the end so all I can do is look up!
But knowing this doesn't help me get anywhere. I am stuck and I need something to get me going again. I really don't want to give up knowing that I've come this far.

Please Fix Me!

Dear God,

I am aware of a distance between us right now. I don't know what I have done to cause this, and I am lost on how to get back on track with you. I feel empty inside due to lack of feeling your presence. Where have you gone and why? I know you tend to leave me for a bit when you want to teach me something. But right now I am in desperate need of your guidance. I don't know what to do. I feel like my faith isn't as solid as it needs to be. I want to be so firm that I can stand alone and be fine. I don't want to feel like I need reassurance from others. I only want reassurance from you.
Please tell me what I need to do! I just feel lost and like I need a fresh perspecitve on things.
I have gotten to legalistic with my time with you. I need to break away from routine and get to know Jesus. He is my savior and my brother and I need to know him! I want to know him in my heart as well as in my mind. Please reveal yourself to me Lord. I hate when I get to a new place with you and I feel like I am reaching in the darkness to find you and I don't find anything accept me feeling sorry for myself and questioning your existance. Is there some way we can make it so that doesn't happen anymore? I don't want to question everytime something goes wrong or I get worried that you won't come through for me. Please forgive me for being weak in this area.
Or is it just a choice that I have to make to follow you and believe you know matter how bad things get? If that is so, do you really think I am ready for that? I am only asking because I know I am not fully mature yet and need to build spiritual strenth before embarking further on this journey with you. Maybe that is why you are distant now so that I can find you on my own
and never have to question again. Could you at least give me a hint of where to go or what to do?
I am completely clueless at the moment.
Thanks for listening and I love you! :-)