I don't even know what to call this one

I really hope that me going back to school is going to pay off in the long run. I am tired of being broke and having no money left over after paying bills. I can't even afford to buy Christmas presents so I am considering going into savings for it. I am not wanting others to feel sorry for me, this is just how it is, and I know I'm not alone here.
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for what I have, but it just feels like I can't ever get ahead. My husband and I can barely pay our bills each month, and we feel like we are just going through the motions of life, not enjoying it.
What is God trying to teach me through this experience? I just wish I could believe Him for a blessing financially,but right now that just doesn't seem right. There are so many others who are a lot worse off than I am. That is what is so frustrating. I feel bad about my lack, and I haven't the slightest idea what someone who has even less feels like. Does that make me a bad person for still wanting for my own? I feel bad for having those feelings. I am just so frustrated.
I am not giving Christmas gifts this year and people are just going to have to deal. I love giving gifts and I am bummed that I can't. Please just allow me to experience this and learn from it. Don't feel sorry for me even though I might throw myself a pity party for a bit. I'll get over it.
As much as I love that Christ was born for my salvation, I hate this time of year!
For those who actually read this, thanks for listening. For some odd reason it feels good to vent
this way.

Intimidated by Intimacy

Dear Father In Heaven,

Why is it that I avoid spending time alone when you when I know I need to? I need alone time with you each and every day. I would like to make every moment alone time with you if that is possible.
However, I have come to a conclusion as to why I allow every distraction possible to stand in the way of our time together. This helps to explain why I don't feel so satisfied with the time I do spend with you. I am intimidated. You are so amazing and awesome and so hard for me to wrap my head around. You are everything! You made me for your pleasure and that is overwhelming to me. I guess I am finding it hard to believe that you would want me that much. I have always had issues with feeling wanted. I don't know why I seek that so much from others when I should be seeking you for that fulfillment. But then again, it goes back to being scared of you. Not scared in a way that I am afraid to talk to you, but scared of the depth that I know I can go to with you.
It is the most overwhelming thing I have ever tried to grasp. You who created me would want to
be as close to me as I am with my husband on certain levels. That is the only thing I can compare to.
Trust me, I do want this with you. I just need you to help me get past the whole Father/Daughter aspect and be more comfortable with the friendship aspect. I guess I am having a hard time accepting that you would want that relationship with me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. So this Holiday season, my greatest gift that could be given would be for me to get over my fear of developing that type of relationship with you. Why is that so intimidating? I wish I knew.
So please don't be offended if I avoid you. It isn't because I don't want to be with you, it is because I am truly intimidated by intimacy with you. That is my heart and you have my heart.
I leave the rest up to you. If you want that with me, then come after me and never let me go!
I long to know that I am wanted by you. That is the bottom line. There is a difference in being loved and being wanted. I also know that if I knew that I was wanted by you, then I would not care about being wanted by others anymore. It just wouldn't bother me nearly as much.
Thanks for listening.

Love,
Heather

Joy Stealers

I have come to the conclusion that money truly is the root of all evil!
Satan will use money to steal your joy if you start focusing on it too much. Ask God to help you take your mind off you and ask how you can help someone else!
I have been sitting hear for the past hour trying to figure out our budget
and what my husband and I both put in each month to pay our bills.
Honestly I don't see how we are able to make ends meet each month, but somehow we do.
I know it isn't by any power of my own. It is all because God is our great provider and He
sees to it that we are taken care of. It is because of Him that I have a roof over my head and food on the table. For that I am grateful.
But once I start trying to figure out ways to cut back or make things easier on ourselves, that is just not possible. Everything we make right now is our survival.
Which my definition of survival is being able to pay all your bills and put food on the table. It's not always about being able to save each month or what you can do or not do with your money.
We are very conservative with our money, but we still can't seem to get ahead. But maybe God wants it this way for a while to keep us humble. Well, if that is the case it is working!
I want God to keep me humble each and every day.
I also continue to put my trust in God to continue providing for us as only he can, and I ask him to help me get my mind off of my lack and focus on someone else for a while. Father if there is anyone I can help in any way, please show me! Please forgive me for always trying to change things about my life that are out of my control.
Help me to wait for you to work behind the scenes for us, and then be even more in love with you when you come through in a very big way. I know you will!
As always, I don't want anything in my life that isn't put there by you! But I do thank you for what I have and I know you will show me how I can give even if I don't have the money right now.
I bind Satan from my finances. They are in God's hands and I trust God to take care of me. I know he has a plan to prosper me, and He will cause every situation to work out for good!
I will no longer stress, but I will trust. I will confess this every day with my mouth so that
Satan can't gain a foothold over this or any other area of my life. I belong to God and I only answer to Him!

Matthew 14:31

In contrast to my previous entry,I wonder if this is how God feels about us who are not yet firm and rooted in their faith:

(CHORUS)Cause you're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're noY ou're in then you're out You're up then you're down You're wrong when it's right It's black and it's white We fight we break up We kiss we make up You, you don't really wanna stay no You, but you don't really wanna go o You're hot then you're cold You're yes then you're no You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

From: Katy Perry "Hot and Cold"

I know that I have felt this way some days and I hate it. I can't stand going back and forth. What do I need to do in order to become rooted for good? I don't want to be" like a person who looks in the mirror and forgets what he saw" I just wonder if God gets just as frustrated with us as we do with ourselves. I just want to get past that point. What do I need to do?

My love song for Christ

This is the best way I feel I can describe my relationship with Christ and what he wants from me. This song is not meant to be spiritual, but nonetheless, its meaning is very self explanatory. This is my love song to Jesus! The very first time I heard this song, it spoke to me so much that I had to post it for every one.

Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love"
Closed off from love I didn't need the pain Once or twice was enough And it was all in vain Time starts to pass Before you know it you're frozen
Ooooh...
But something happened For the very first time with you My heart melted into the ground Found something true And everyone's looking 'round Thinking I'm going crazy
Chorus:But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open
Oooh, oooh...
Trying hard not to hear But they talk so loud Their piercing sounds fill my ears Try to fill me with doubt Yet I know that their goal Is to keep me from falling Hey, yeah! But nothing's greater Than the rush that comes with your embrace And in this world of loneliness I see your face Yet everyone around me Thinks that I'm going crazyMaybe, maybe
Chorus:But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe I'll be wearing these scars For everyone to see I don't care what they say I'm in love with you They try to pull me away But they don't know the truth My heart's crippled by the painThat I keep all closed in
You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love I keep bleeding I keep, keep bleeding love Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love You cut me open and I Keep bleeding Keep, keep bleeding love

The Victory Is Ours!

In order to have victory over anything in this life, you have to name it, claim it, and live it. This is what I have learned this week concerning my smoking. I can either feel sorry for myself because I am not getting healed immediately, or I can claim my own victory and work at it each day with God by my side to give me the strength to keep going and not give up.
To name your victory is to state what you want to have victory over. This needs to be confessed to God and to other believers who can hold you accountable.
To claim your victory means operating as if you already possess that victory.
You have to speak it out loud each day that whatever you need victory over is taken care of for you by God and speak that you are healed through Jesus.
Lastly, to live your victory means that there is no turning back! Once you make a decision to no longer live in the darkness , you can't just speak it. You have to live it every day. Each day is a new day in the journey of your victory. You have to surrender your flesh to God each day and let Him do the rest. There is no need to give up should you stumble. All you have to do is repent for your weakness and promise God that you will keep trying until the victory is yours.
These are vital actions that must be taken for anyone to have any kind of victory. It can be as simple as making an effort to get up 5 minutes earlier each day or as intense as conquering an addiction.
Most importantly you have to take authority over the enemy. The enemy has no power over you unless you give it to him. When you speak to him in Jesus' name, he must leave! This power was given to us when Jesus died on the cross so that we may become righteous in the eyes of God.
Victory is yours, but you must decide to take it and run with it. Otherwise, you will never have the victory that you desire. Let us thank God every day that
he sent his only son to die for us so that we may have this awesome power to overcome!

Ramblings on Finances, Christmas, ect. ...

How is it possible to keep believing for a miracle in these hard times. I am just so worried that
there won't be a Christmas if there is no extra income to pull from. I don't' know how people keep
their faith in the hard times. I guess I need to learn and this is God's way of teaching me.
I don't feel as the lack of income is a punishment, because I know he has always supplied our needs and helped us make ends meet. But there is literally no extra money for Christmas gifts this year. I know I am not the only person facing this situation, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
I almost wish that the whole idea of Christmas gifts didn't even exist because that isn't what Christmas is all about. It is about the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!
But then you feel bad if you can't contribute to your family's enjoyment of the holiday. We buy gifts for people because we love them and we do it as a love offering. But in a way, isn't it as if we are trying to buy their love for another year in a sense? I know that is cynical, and I am probably only feeling this way because I am broke. I'm just so confused about what do to. I've never had to tell my family, I can't afford Christmas this year. I know they won't judge me, but I know I'll feel bad if I can't participate the way that I want to, but I don't want to go into debt over it either.
So with all this said, let me ask my question again...How do we keep the faith and believe God for our own little miracle when things aren't looking up?
I also curse the media and consumer industry for making people feel like they have to spend money on their loved ones in order to show your love. This just isn't for Christmas, but also for other occasions that we all know too well.
How is it that our society has now based our love for one another on things/material possessions instead of our hearts? We should all make more of an effort to be like those in Acts 4: 32-34

The choice is yours!

every day I have the choice to surrender or not to surrender. i can surrender to my flesh or I can surrender everything to God and let him take care things for me that I can't do myself.
i have always had an issue of needing to be in control. i guess I still have this issue or i wouldn't be writing this today. lately i've had this idea that quitting smoking is something that i can do on my own, but now i've realized that i can't do it on my own.
i desperately need the Lord to step in and intervene on my behalf becuase my flesh is week. i have proven this to myself each time i give in and have a cigarette. this calls for drastic measures. i now know that i can't quit on my own or in my own power. i need God to do it for me!
why is it that i haven't realized this until now? god even gave me the motivation and the will power in the begining and that lasted all of two weeks. now i'm back to struggling each day and having two or three.
what is worse, is that i know God does not want this for me and each time i have one it is saying to God that I don't believe He can overcome this for me. I am also deliberately sinning against Him now that I know it is not what He wants.
How do we as human beings keep doing this to ourselves whatever ths case may be? What is it going to take to surrender each and every day of our lives? Or each and every moment for that matter?
I want to surrender and let God do the hard work for me, but at the same time my flesh cries out and I am caught in the middle. What to do? This is the ultimate test of faith. Do I give in to my flesh, or do I stomp on it by giving it all to God. The choice is mine and only mine to make each and every time. Who knew that something so simple would teach me so much?