Confession

I feel the need to explain something about myself to those I know and love. I am a very insecure person in case you all haven't noticed. This is why I behave in certain ways that I do. God has made me aware that I need to work on this so that I can be secure in His love for me. I have always had a hard time accepting his love and not doubting it. I don't want to be that person anymore.
Ever since I was young, I have pursued my friendships and relationships with others. I have never sat back and let others come to me. This even happens in my marriage, my family, and my friendships. Because I am so afraid that others really will forget about me if I don't remind them that I am around and available to hang out or whatever, this has sometimes caused me to loose friendships as well. I push things too much. I am sorry for all of those I have annoyed with this. I am especially sorry to myself for not allowing things to just happen. Especially in my marriage. This explains why I feel as if I don't know if my husband wants me sometimes as he has never had to pursue me. I have always been the one pursuing.
I need to take a break and just be. And if I end up loosing relationships because of damage already done, then I feel that I'm better off knowing how others truly feel about me. Maybe that is what God wants me to learn in this process. Maybe I don't need everyone to like me. Maybe I need to be okay with that. I don't know. But whatever I am supposed to learn, I know that I am tired of loosing friends because of my insecurities. I also know that I am just tired of being insecure. In Christ we are supposed to be totally secure! With everything!
It is just amazing how God speaks to me and I can hear what I am supposed to hear and try to do something with it. That is more important to me than anything right now. I know he will help me get over my fear of being left out and my fear of being rejected. It will take time as it took years of wrong thinking and wrong actions for me to get where I am. But that is part of the journey and I am ready to change.
So for those of you that actually read my blog, I first apologize for being so needy and insecure. I know now that God does not want me to be that way. And second, I hope you can forgive me for times when I have been persistent! I love you all and I love God for helping me to realize what I need to work on to be the person He wants me to be.